Sad dad, Iz sane...Terrorist insurgency.

You can laugh,(perhaps),or mock,I have just reread Erin Pizzey's book,'The Emotional Terrorist'. Fair play to the woman,a great piece of work, my little chronicle doesn't seem so far fetched , in the context of her research,hers will certainly get publicity when mine gets finished.My record though historic is not an obsession with the past it is a philosophical overview.first one must establish the context, the many parts that make the whole,(don't go down the hole son),have to be seen with detachment.The projects that we have had to continually postpone,over years will get their chance to be realized, without the emotional disruption, eroding the domestic base.I don' trust the power playing games masters, I am a Man not a pawn to be manipulated by wannabee puppet masters.I do not live in the electronic void,nor in the deluded half light singular or collective, of relativist pipedreams.You have turned your coat so many times son ,I'm reminded of the reversable underpants.Not practical even as a theory.
The power play that your 'family' employed,in the mid nineties is the dominant influence in your personality.Role playing,and posturing although well practiced do not serve. Wearing a different hat does not make you a different person.
Cosmetic ritualised mannerisms,however fashionable do not initiate a person into another culture.One must protect against cultivated relativist insurgency undermining the security of the inner sanctum of our family lives.Being the excluded part ,the whipping boy,in your threesome family,I am well informed now as to the invasive nature of the beast.I don't mention your sister much do I Toby.Whether I address you or the other members of your strange family is immaterial as far as I'm concerned, a personality complex without, a hollow thing within, reflecting and projecting. Relating to the constancy of elemental nature in reality seems to have no place in your lives.Civilised code is not meant to be a pragmatic economic add on, camouflaging ulterior motives,and vested interest. The gamesmanship you practised at home in my absence , may have seemed stimulating in the short term but was not life supporting,relying on winners and losers. each participant shoving the prize in their own respective cake hole as soon as it was gained. cheating was regarded as fair play in your domain Toby, but is unsustainable and unsustaining in real life. Unsafe.
Gamesmanship must not be regarded as diplomacy Toby,the practice of the former in early life is inadequate to the needs of the greater world.Whether you are a pawn or a puppeteer,the code the rules by which you play or are played are limited to the context of your perception of the game.Flat earth models do not in truth transfer equitably to the real world, collateral damage,losers, the unwitting and unwilling participants in your unprincipled games disregarded as an irrelevance whilst you thought you were winning,are now beyond the epicentre of your destructive influence.Having at long last gained a stronghold, that offers security against the insideous nuisance that has obstructed progress towards what I feel is my principle destiny.I am bound to protect my interests,they being indivisibly one, all insurgency that has exercised undue influence,over years,whilst holding me in unfair disadvantage,displacing me from my rightful executive domain,must expect to be expelled and exposed for the damage they have done .Not to say the damage they may yet continue to do.
You introduced me to the story behind Erin Pizzey's book Toby, for that I will be ever grateful. What I have read of it is painfully accurate, is it bigger than the article I found on the internet? It didn't answer questions that occurred to me a long time ago, I didn't need the book to explain the condition,the assurance that someone else out there had also acknowledged that the condition exists was a relief.What happens to the personality,not to say the character of the children of the dominant "controller". It is observed that dependant on circumstance, the three of you played each other. For a while Bitch culture ruled, Your sister introduced some most malicious variables into an already complex equation.
The amoral/immoral,domestic environment, Irresponsible Freedom, allowed by the parental executive,is the root cause of your exclusive family's demise.
Your sister's indefensible performance in Brecon High School, was not something you both need feel proud of bragging about. I doubt she will ever transcend the bad habits cultivated during that period of her life, you took a perverse pride also in the part you played.Claiming the teachers were "scared" of you. I doubt that very much,even if your barrack room lawyering was expert in defence of your sister in principle, you aided and abetted her knowingly leading up to the final incident,you were neither passive nor moral.your self appeasing view of your part is merely a delusion of grandeur, a chance to strut your stuff whilst your sister took the blame. I am not wrong Toby. Where was the moral guidance of a big brother, in my absence, where was your mother's moral guidance and moderating influence,ever? The don't tell Dad, mutual compromise , had no moral mandate in the civilised world. In your sulky silence Toby you locked yourself into the role of the Great Deceiver, not so bloody great really was it Toby? You couldn't play the part of a domineering woman so for an easy life you played the part of a co operative ,submissive male. Not a liberated, egalitarian Man, by definition a totally different identity. Your mother may have led you to believe by conduct that you werent missing anything, how would she know, even after menopause is she qualified to know what goes into the making of a Good Man. I have inquired of her many times to define what a good man was, each time she failed, by any acceptable common definition. ABSENCE OF INTEGER, will be a worthy, informative chapter of my book Toby,I advise to write your view in honesty, It would serve no worthy sustainable moral purpose to fabricate and construct in denial. Get this straight son, I don't blame you. One doesn' blame the soldiers on the ground in an armed conflict as long as they obey the rules of engagement.
However one must not be naive about taking sides, I have been struggling for survival against the odds that I would,(your collective desired objective). You pressed the wrong buttons whilst you were here.I'll write more soon. Answer or not , as you please. Upsetting the vocal part of my disadvantaged life has given the three of you much delight. My insecurity,the fear of losing whatever was saveable of my family, my homelessness,brought about by your joint and several interference in my private life, even years after divorce.Doubts about my sanity Toby by manipulative unconscionable slanders and libels,undermining my safety
and neutralising every attempt ,through my disadvantage that I would be treated eqitably in law or by the community at large.
Breaching the security of the silent man,the one they call Reinold here, the man you people knew the least about, was a big mistake. Soon isn't now I'll have supper I send this part, but will add to it later. REINOLD

Tom sent me an email in response to my apeal for informaton about my most recent trip to swansea. people reveal much about themselves in writing in haste from 'The emotional hip'. He was far from detached,tried his best to relate in loyalty to at least your former friendship. There is obviously a lot you didn't tell him about your family,and an awful lot he doesn't know about the world. I will write to him on occasion in the hope that some of the content will purculate through to you. Whether it does or not I gave fair warning that my correspondence is destined for publication.I recommended he read,'The Emotional Terrorist', he might be glad he did,the way you 'play',I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. Both your mothers being counsellors doesn't qualify either or any of you. At least he tried to speak his mind, in that respect you could follow his example and record your view.I don't expect you to agree with my every word,but the longer the silence the more difficult you'll find it to relate objectively.
Pointless having to encrypt our historic common experience into fake games.
Where was I ? Who knows? Who cares?
A curiosity occurs to me . On the 20th October 2005 , Presumably when you were bimbling round Londinium or some such toxic architectural environmental mausoleum ,it was reported that a teapot was found on the steps of the library,maybe there was says I,no book however was found. Someone or no one was most disappointed,Now then Toby, I found reference to the item I was searching for in OUCH( a disability thing ), WHY should I find the reference there Toby.Have you been keeping a problem secret from your Dad? I asked your mother ,as none of you respond in a healthy human way,she took more than 45 seconds to respond and then only to ask why I was Asking, I guess she was trying to weigh up the potential advantange points.Impossible to get a caring response, human any way.
Of course I might be quite wrong about past references to specific frequency programming Toby ,But I'm not the only one that has worked out, has learned something about ,,or perhaps knows tons.I believe your mams head has been wiped that many times she can only guess or have an opinion of what she's doing in the immediate present,your unnatural closeness,to her ,with her bought M.A. book of cut out cliches is bound to leave gaps in your inner space you aren't the dominant in that domain.She claims that Anne-Sophie and I are Obsessed with the past, We might be if we remembered as little of our autonomous self determined lives as your mother and you seem to.of yours.
Our living experience is continuous so too our memory. We aren't enticed or seduced into programming boxes ,Naturally so .
Relate to your own memory of events Toby,you became intellectually awakened and creative beyond the idle mediocracy you had grown used to in Newport,you had all the symptoms of a puppet there.[ What was mountain girl doing ,following Your clues,anyway,they are all virtual red herrings.]
So son I'll keep writing,you may or may not be able to enlighten me, that is if we have a common definition.Your irrational behaviour as any dad would be prone to inquire,begs the question ,"who is pulling your strings?' and "DO they have security clearance?" Oh!And "are they private sector networks, independants,or sponsored by unmandatable discreditted faceless political ideologues ?" Just some of the notions that might go through the averagely well informed dad's mind given the obvious reduction in your practical life support intelligence.your debts are enormous,you don't seem quantifiably any better off for all your failed attempts at self promoting education.They have done your head little good .you are 26years of age Toby,I ask you, What kind of burned out mindless functionary are you planning to be when you grow up? I'll get back to you on the career advice thing, on a few others or many perhaps later.
I'll write a bit more about my apparent 'obsession with the past'. A title or heading,"Though my name be Mud". came to mind, a passable good one sez I,goes well with "Unfolding the future from the paradox of historic folly,"
So ,what do you think of a sick and disadvantaged man's efforts to support his people. I'm not talking about presently, I'm speaking of the Kilrush and the Tullycrine gardens. Tell me also of your impressions of Anne-Sophie's contribution.The evidence that we did any thing at all disappeared fast as soon as we stopped working there.Inchee did well enough, broke free of slavery and made an effort to become an independant man in his own right. The story behind that time needs recording,Our memory is good Toby how is yours? Were we just a gap filler? It looked that way at the time, looks even more so with hind sight.
You have trashed us at every available opportunity. We are not your virtual reality pawns Toby. We are people, not disposable user friendly commodities.
Nothing to do with your private delusion of Second Dot Comings,our lives are real.The mysterious time traveler, is a time waster, expensive too. I don't see much point in advertising in Timbuctoo,and Alpha Centuri if there is no economically sustainable ,and life supporting product, where you live, at home Toby.With your mam in Abercrave,Planet Earth. What your estranged threesome family calls a life is a cannibal.reliant solely on other peoples energy and talent for it's sustenance.Reliant too on other's suffering,tricks you learned at your mothers knee perhaps,or from your sister or may be you developed them all on your little ownsome,.Perhaps it's a little known BIG OUCH ! (a disability thing),as yet undisclosed,if it is then you'd best come clean, so too your mother and sister.
She claims that there is nothing wrong with you in such away as to cast suspicion on all three of you, she still tries to blame every problem that has beset your lives on me. that wont do at all.Neither will playing the part of an insurgent in an emotional terrorist plot.
You were definitely on some kind of "mission"when you got here.Top Secret I guess from the little you disclosed.You told me it took a whole day to find an internet cafe,one of the reasons you gave for your delay in getting here,you could have picked up a phone in under fifteen minutes,where's the sense?You looked like you had been thrown out for the rubbish collection,but had been refused because you hadn't been sorted.Vague stories about what you'd been up to.Chatter about falling out with your friend Tom over a lost stick,didn't ring true,I let it pass.I could see you weren't being honest,I am your father son for all my almost legendary failings.Mostly exaggerated in the telling by gossiping do-littles I might add.
The man who was driving,I forget his name,poor bloke must have been going up the wall.he did the right thing by returning to do his dissertation,the reason you were in college you reckoned was to try and get a qualification.I dare say he had similar notions. I hope you haven't disrupted his work too much .
It occurred to me that you are trying to imitate some fantastic notion of what your mother thought I was or am about, Toby that's all imaginary,she has no idea. My real life is beyond any of your threesome's experience.
Whilst you were here I gave you the telephone to find out what the state of play was in her initiative to honour our settlement agreement,I must say if I had known that you had wiped your head out with Tom on Psychedelic mushrooms I wouldn't have given you any responsible task,but you were maintaining the facade and feigned competence, I took you at face value.After a forty minute call you came down relating that as per our negotiated agreement,not the voidable ill gotten court order that I should feel assured,I would be receiving, in a matter of weeks. I was skeptical but accepted your trusted word.Fool I most certainly was.
By my faith Toby,I only have one reality, the datum line by which I guage all things visible and invisible and the principles by which I live my "Truth model", is indivisibly the common one.No mere unverifiable opinion is worthy of consideration unless it corroborates known or given truth. No Plausible complex data that is not supported and confirmed by truth imperical is allowed right of passage, "never believe a lie".I don't, As I have often said,"If you lie a little you die a little",You weren't behaving truly, is all I can say,your body language not quite on the level.Another maxim "almost true will not do."
I had a suspiscion that my head was perhaps being filled with bogus rubbish,that you may have been used as a conduit,to temporarily appease me.Your mother's darling protege perhaps was perceived to need a cover story whilst in what she would regard as the enemy camp. Truth reigns supreme here Toby.Why lie for anyone the real thjng works well there is only one it serves all without deference or distinction.It was like pulling teeth getting straight answers that make sense out of you and you weren't volunteering.In the parlance of the vernacular,"you were pissing me off." I naturally questioned you about many "mysteries" to which you were privy,by logic and reason initially,tripping you up. Me trying as usual to find the one thread of truth that would if pulled, unravel your deviancy.I wasn't pleasant,I ruffled your feathers a bit, I couldn't hit you hard Toby, the joints of my fingers hurt from arthritis, if I hadn't had to work so hard to get to the bottom of a lot of stuff your stay might have been pleasant,there is tons you have not yet told,you have lied for your mam too many times,it was the absolute limit when you told me that the story of the settlement agreement was just another story, implying that you also were trying to profiteer on my disadvantage.you didn't really come here to see us did you, you just needed a cheap stopover and dip your bread whilst your mams money came through.when you saw how much I'd done in the field here you said 'save some for me'.were you trying to take the piss son,what have you done that even amounts to as much as nearly nothing at home in Abercrave for your family for your self or for the up keep of the building.
the bIg Slap(a disabling thing),certainly hurt me,i couldn't get through to the triskabollox of whatever you use for sense , I have been running the gauntlet of your special little family's lying cheating and stealing conspiratorial games. Your Allen madness for thirty four years Toby,You will probably feel privately proud of the amount of injury hurt and insult and damage I've had to bear,You should have left the item that you brought to my first proper home in thirteen years(thank you),in your mothers shopping trolley,should have kept your collective lies to your self and encorporated them into one of your delusional fantasies. I dinged you with a stick twice you tell me it was the first time you have ever felt pain ,You all three know how to hurt others,a bit one sided is that, perhaps If you find it so hard to change direction ,so you don't rely on victims, losers,puppets,or what you like to call the collateral damage in your deviant amoral LIES,My publishing the whole unexpurgated story,up to date in every detail would be doing the unsuspecting world a favour..Maybe if you took some of the stick that the three of you have directly or by proxy given others, you wouldn'be so bloody insensitive.Do you remember me using the term BIG OUCH! Toby,to warn you as a child of impending potential danger of hurt,It must have worked too well.
Now is the time for the world to be concerned Toby. As your mother becomes less able to be the dominant personality in the home ,was she ever in my absence I have cause to doubt. Both Emma and you have already asserted influence over her that is most undesirable.
When you were here this time I tried to get you to speak of something you told me a while ago,I only mention because I know and ,naturally care. Like some mad Caesar,you said in quite a melodramatic way, "that house will stay in the Godden name ,FOREVER." As we spoke of it I turned over the implications,
you were agreeable with my analysis.You were speaking about you, not your mother not your sister,youve not earned one stone yet you lazy ligger,So you have been playing for your own pocket undermining any chance of a mutually agreeable settlement your mum would be Subject to your dominant control later. If I were her I'd make you leave you aren't safe to be with,I only shout objection in pain frustration or anger,You have some very scary sneaky stuff in you and you are just waiting your time. This will go some way as an introduction to the subject I will file this after sending both your mother and you a copy, as Emma never bothered to gain her full intellectual potential I will leave it to one or both to give her a clue,I will publish at a later date, others may be grateful for the warning.
My garden project is my prime occupation and the pending marriage to Anne-Sophie, in equal measure I might add. The incidental circumstance of your collective undue interference in our mutual lives over the years will never be forgotten, we don't do that. Emotional detachment is a great healer but it would not be desirable by any moral standard for your actions now to go unnoticed. Write back or not. You will ,without moral resolution and honourable equitable settlement, by my ethical standard,have to suffer in kind the fate you had previously designed for me. Justice will be served one way or another.
i will close this now, more soon under ABSENCE OF INTEGER,